The Best Reviewer on Amazon

While browsing Jack in the Box toys on Amazon, I came across A. Barry "THE reviewer" who may be the funniest Amazon reviewer I've encountered. I am still working on getting through his 100 Amazon product reviews and, in the meantime, want to share my top five favorites (so far). 

Schylling Jack-In-The-Box Schylling Jack-In-The-Box
1.0 out of 5 stars Haunted, June 12, 2005 
 
This thing is freaky. I bought one for my son and one night last week I woke up and it was on my nightstand and the crank was turning itself and then all of a sudden the clown popped up! It scared the crap outta me. Avoid this at all costs. 



iRobot 560 Roomba Vacuuming Robot, Black and Silver 
1.0 out of 5 stars Too intelligent for its own good, August 1, 2009 

My first go at using the Roomba was one of the most memorable moments of my life. I remember discovering just how intelligent the thing really was. It maneuvered around the furniture, detected dirt on the floor that you have not seen otherwise, and even knew when to start itself up and turn itself off. This little Roomba robot was so intelligent it was almost like a member of the family. 

Two months after that day, the Roomba continued to perfectly execute its function and it became quite the conversation piece with the neighbors. But it wouldn't be long until things started getting unsettling. I noticed the Roomba (who we had nicknamed "Roomby" by this point) constantly bumping into the kitchen tables and counters. I figured these occurrences were only minor malfunctions, and when they happened I simply lifted Roomby up and turned it towards another direction. At other times, Roomby would lay dormant in front of the front door. I figured it was bound to get hit if it stayed there so I moved it to a more safe location. On one fateful summer day, me and the family were relaxing in the backyard by the pool. My son went inside to get some extra towels and happened to leave the door open. Thirty seconds later and out comes Roomby, treading at full speed straight towards the pool. We were so struck with surprise that we couldn't help but just watch it. It had nearly reached the pool when my son came running out shouting "Roomby!", but alas, it was too late. Roomby fell right into the pool and we could only assume the worst had happened to it. 

Looking back at the event, I believe that Roomby was such an intelligent machine that it became self aware and realized it was damned to a life of cleaning floors. This sad-but-true realization is what had driven poor old Roomby to terminate itself. Farewell Roomby, we will miss you. 

Vulli Sophie the Giraffe Teether 
1.0 out of 5 stars A conspiracy in the making, August 2, 2009 

I find it alarming just how many parents are praising this thing. As a parent, you want to protect your children. When learning about all the protective measures this toy takes, most parents would be on board. But I know better. I did a little under-the-microscope research and have reached some alarming conclusions about this toy. 

First of all, the name "Sophie" (a nickname for "Sophia") is of Greek origin. A little known fact is that the ancient Greeks oftentimes ate their young for food or sacrificed them to their many gods. Giving a baby toy a name that descends from a line of baby-eaters is puzzling. 

Even more puzzling is the deliberate use of a giraffe. There are no records of a giraffe appearing in Greece in the wild. How then are we supposed to believe that this thing can be both Greek AND a giraffe if the combination is simply not possible? 

This choice of species is even more alarming to anybody who has read the Greek epic "The Odyssey". At one point in the story, Odysseus and his crew arrive on the shores of Africa and encounter none other than a giraffe. The giraffe was seen as a demonically tainted horse and struck fear into the hearts of Odysseus and his men. 

Still not convinced? Look at the gallery of customer-submitted pictures. The majority of these photos feature a baby masticating the face of their Sophie toy. A cute gesture, or the only defense a baby has against the demonic animal? Think what you believe, but my research points towards the latter option.

Poulan Pro 400E 18-Inch 4 HP Electric Chain Saw Poulan Pro 400E 18-Inch 4 HP Electric Chain Saw 
5.0 out of 5 stars Nothing gets the job done like a Poulan Pro 400E!, July 23, 2009 

Hi. Allow me to introduce myself. I live in a remote village located in the rural outskirts of Spain. It's a nice little place, and me and my people have thrived there for countless generations. 

Lately, however, an American agent of some sort has shown up. He seems to be looking for some missing girl judging from the picture he once showed us. Now, I'm not gonna lie, my people are aggressive. We're not infected monsters or anything like that, we're just aggressive. So, when the agent kept trying to break the language barrier and inform us of this missing girl, one of villagers kinda lashed out a little. I don't think that justifies a gunshot to the head. 

So, the agent gave up on communicating with us and is now just killing on sight. I took refuge in my barn and thought desperately of a way to dispose of this American. A few minutes later and I had devised a genius plan. I opened my tool shed and got out my Poulan Pro 400E. Just holding it made me feel stronger! And then, almost without thinking, I emptied out a nearby sack of flour and placed it over my head. I don't know why I did this, but I realized how menacing I would look once I poked eye holes out of it. 

There I was, with my Poulan Pro 400E, ready to bust some heads. Finding the American agent was easy, all I had to do was follow the sound of gunshots. I eventually found him capping my people outside the chief's home. I revved up my Poulan Pro 400E and began my pursuit. The second he heard this baby running he got a terrified look on his face. He quickly switched his handgun out in favor of a machine gun and pointed it my way. Ha! Those puny bullets merely tickled my body! It was as if I had became three times stronger just by holding my Poulan Pro 400E. The agent ran out of ammunition and switched back to his handgun. This time he took careful aim at my sack-covered face. I was amazed, the flour sack provided protection from the bullets, so much that they didn't even phase me. 

As I approached ever nearer, the agent turned and headed upstairs. I can only assume he ran out of ammo and began searching for the many boxes of ammunition that we villagers like to randomly place. I followed his trail up the stairs and caught him with his back turned. This was it. I lunged as fast as I could towards him, and he turned around just a moment too late. He was now on the receiving end of my Poulan Pro 400E with a look of pure pain on his face. After seconds of futile resistance, his head was sawed off with a nice clean cut. It dropped and bounced on the floor, much like how his limp body did soon afterward. 

That's my story. What it all boils down to is this; No matter the situation, a good Poulan Pro 400E can always help. It most certainly helped me! 

Rosetta Stone V3: English (US) Level 1-5 Set with Audio Companion [OLD VERSION] Rosetta Stone V3: English (US) Level 1-5 Set with Audio Companion [OLD VERSION] 
1.0 out of 5 stars A monumental dissapointment., June 13, 2009 

Words cannot express my dissatisfaction with this product. I am a Turkish artist and in wanting to gather inspiration for my future artwork, I planned a world tour, stopping in all the cultural hot spots of the world including France, Italy, Brazil, Azerbaijan, and of course the center of it all, America. I purchased Rosetta Stone software for all the respective languages of the countries I would soon experience. I knew learning a new language, let alone several, would take a lot of dedication. Learning the languages was a lot of fun although the English language in particular was hard to nail down, but I knew learning it would open so many new opportunities for me. 

With the knowledge of half a dozen new languages in me, I embarked on my world tour. My first stop, Italy, was amazing. Speaking to the locals was awkward at first, but once they assured me I was speaking Italian just fine, it became really fun and rewarding. I hoped that my venture into France would be just as successful. 

Country after country, knowing the language helped me immerse myself in culture. I had discovered so much and I had yet to reach the tip of the iceberg, the cultural melting pot that is America. I was so excited. I could not wait to speak the same language as the American people I had heard so much of. 

After landing in Miami, Florida, I had started walking towards my hotel when I noticed a group of people walking towards me. I viewed it as a prime moment to speak English, as I hoped to ask someone if there was a museum nearby. I asked them, confident in my English-speaking abilities, and they answered, but not in the same language as I had questioned. I was in shock. Everything I knew about English was suddenly in limbo. I started asking others, hoping for in intelligible answer, but everybody I asked answered in a language unknown to me. 

What had happened? Either these people were speaking the wrong language or I had been taught the wrong language. I came to the conclusion that there is no way people in their own country would not speak the wrong language, so Rosetta Stone is to blame! 

Whatever this language is I have learned, it is not the language of America. Had Rosetta Stone properly taught me authentic English and not this completely unrelated language, I might have been able to immerse myself in wonderful American culture. The only thing I can do with this language is express to you on this site how much this product has let me down.